Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
