His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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