made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
