i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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