I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
