I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
