I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
