She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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