His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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