It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
