so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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