I think i peed on brittanys purse
babies were throwing up all over the place
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize