yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
