Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
