I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
