I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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