dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
