Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
