When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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