FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize