You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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