I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
A bitchslap is in order.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
The air taste purple.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
