i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
