did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
