Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
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