Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i think my cat just said my name.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Randomize
