is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
