Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
