On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My cat gives me a boner
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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