Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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