I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
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