when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
