Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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