did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
A bitchslap is in order.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
