I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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