I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
