my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
