I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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