So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
he thought i was a dude.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
where are you?
Hypothermia
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
