I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize