my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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