theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
