i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I want to be your penis for a week.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize