Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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