Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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