just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
