Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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