So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Randomize
