your parents love me but you hate me
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize