the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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