loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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