I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
