my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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