nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
is that a dick in a sweater?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize