I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Randomize
