I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
