I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Randomize
