I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
