i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
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