Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
