Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
