That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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